The Juicer Olympics

I have a marvelous idea for spicing up the Olympics. Aren't we all a little bored with regular ol' figure skating? Tired out marathon running? Same ol' gymnastics? Sure the athletes are amazing, a testimony to inborn grit and determination of Homo sapiens, where talent meets perserverence -- but what about an Olympics that celebrated the intelligence of humankind? One that showcased humanity's achievements in medical science as well as in sports?

I am talking about the All-Drug Olympics. You may have seen a brief clip of some pioneering training sessions on that news program, SNL. The time has come to make the All-Drug Olympics a reality.

Really, it's the only fair thing to do. As it is we have some athletes using and others dutifully abstaining. The righteous get fucked. If we stopped the charade of being au naturel and just took advantage of our hard-won achievements in medicine, we'd finally have a level playing field.

Stop lying to ourselves. Stop playing picky-choosy. We let people compete who are alive by the grace of medicine. We don't say, "Oy, looks like you were meant to die of appendicitis at age 8. No high-diving for you, cheater." We let them in. We let people take their antibiotics and antidysrhythmics and still ski for mother Russia. Now let them take hormones and amphetamines too! Oh the speeds we'd achieve! Oh the records we'd break!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some phone calls to make.

Writing, like singing, comes from the heart, and has a propensity to be terrible.

Magic

This is the first flashmob video I've ever seen.

How magical is this? Amid the bad lighting, the Arby's, the giant illuminated photos of sesame chicken, the exultant, playful spirit of humanity explodes into song.

We are wonderful creatures.